A weekend of birthday and Easter celebrations

Saturday was James’ 35th birthday.  I can’t believe he’s 35.  In 2 years, we’ll have been together for half our lives!  That blows me away.  At the same time, I honestly can’t imagine how I could have ever not known him.  He’s such a huge part of me.  As I like to remind him, I will be with him for all eternity =)

Anyway!  His birthday went well.  I made Eggs Benny with bagels instead of English muffins, and tomato instead of meat (of course) and the kids all enjoyed it, too.  James’ mom and her sister came over for a little ‘party’ (his brother was supposed to be here, too, but he couldn’t make it).  James hadn’t seen his aunt in 20 years, and since we’ve only been together for 15, that means I’d never met her before.  It was interesting meeting my mil’s sister, and seeing how they’re similar and also how they’re totally different.  It was a good visit, and I had the babies in the absolute CUTEST dresses!  I actually got them at Army and Navy, which I’ve only ever gone to once and truthfully probably will never go again (although they had some good kitchen stuff I MIGHT check out one day, unlikely though!)  I really hated the store, but the dresses I got were SO CUTE I couldn’t pass them up!  Peachy pink with big white polkadots, I really should post a picture.  They looked beyond adorable.  Andrew wore a new outfit GG got him when she was over – red/green/blue plaid shorts with a bright blue polo that looks like it has an ipod in the pocket of.  Totally suits him!  

James seemed to enjoy his birthday, although Andrew was really moody and kind of awful at the party…It was ‘Superman’ themed, so I got plates and napkins, and 3 cool hanging decorations that I put up in the kitchen.  Andrew and I made a little sign for beneath the Happy Birthday sign by the fireplace, that said ‘Happy 35th Birthday to one super dad!’ and had a picture of James’ face on Superman’s body!  Andrew and I also hung some balloons in red, blue, and yellow.  It felt like the theme came together pretty well.  For his bday we got James a bunch of things – some new shirts and a pair of shorts from the kids, an itunes gift card from Andrew, a coffee grinder and some coffee beans from me, various types of booze from me (Scotch, some interesting ‘ginger wine’, ‘Cloudy Lemonade’ and beer), and salt and pepper grinders from Fifi!  LOL  James has said for a while that he wished we had a pepper mill so he got one for his birthday, from the cat!

It seemed strange having James’ birthday and Easter in the same weekend.  I don’t recall that ever happening in James’ and my relationship.  His mom said it was Easter weekend the year he was born, so who knows how often it actually happens.  We stuck to our tradition since Andrew was 2, where he and James go out mid morning and I let the Easter bunny in to do his thing.  I got the babies down for their nap, off the boys went, and the Easter bunny got to work!  He brought lots of little eggs for the kids to find, and little buckets with their names on them to put the eggs into.  James and I also got the kids some Easter prezzies – the girls got an outfit each, cute little plaid shorts and pink shirts with a bunny in a cupcake on them.  I also got them some girly straw hats from the dollar store.  Andrew got something he’s wanted for a LONG time now – a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles lamp for his bedroom!  He was absolutely thrilled.  My new ‘rule’ is that the kids get a gift on special occasions, and maybe once in a while they can get something ‘just because’ when we choose, but I don’t want to get in the habit of just buying them stuff.  I mean, obviously I buy them new clothes here and there and stuff I feel they ‘need’ but I feel like Andrew was getting to used to ALWAYS getting something if we went out – even if it was just at the dollar store.  When it becomes expected, there’s something lost because there’s a sense of entitlement, and I reeeeally don’t like that.  Also, the fact is, we won’t be able to afford to buy something for THREE kids all the time once the babies are old enough to understand if Andrew’s getting something – they’ll undoubtedly want something, too!  If we were having one child only, maybe we could get away with spoiling him…but I’d actually like to get away from that much consumerism anyway.  Ultimately we’re not doing them any favours if we spoil them, so I am conscious of it.  Still, it’s fun to get them a little something on an occasion like Easter.

Their hunt for the eggs went well, the babies of course weren’t quite as into it as their brother, but they found a few things, and of course enjoyed devouring some chocolate when all was said and done!  Andrew had a blast finding all the eggs.  After the hunt at our house, we went over to my mom and dad’s and they got Easter buckets there, too, and we visited with my bro and sil for a bit, and then had a little bday celebration for James’ with my parents, complete with red velvet cake!  Way too much sugar this holiday, omg.  Till now I have never had much willpower when it comes to chocolate being around me, I just can’t help myself when I know it’s there (or, should I say, I DO help myself when I know it’s there!!)  So wanting to lose weight, it is going to be a major challenge to keep myself out of the ‘chocolate cupboard’ that we seem to have stocked up now.  BUT I am going to do my very best, and just remind myself of my goals when I start to head in that direction! 

Sitting on the front stoop, blogging

I went for a brisk walk today on my own, finally working toward getting fit - slowly.  I have done a terrible job so far, given I intended to start this journey in January!  I forget how quickly the days pass by, and then suddenly I realized April will soon be over and what do I have to show for it, aside from those same pesky 'love handles' I so desperately want rid of?!

I started doing a great workout on YouTube that I think if I stick with regularly I could really be getting fit - the only problem is I HAVE to do it in our living room (it requires a lot of jumping jacks, which wouldn't be good for the floor upstairs and would be super noisy!) and I'd prefer to do it during the day as it gives me energy - working out at 10pm once everyone's asleep is less than ideal.  The problem is, I started doing the workout with the kids around, and the first time Andrew got annoyed because he didn't want to watch it, and the next few times I've attempted it the girls (usually Emily) run toward me when I'm mid jumping jack (not safe!) and doing sit ups - forget it, all the kids want to pile on top of me as if it's a game!  Andrew I can talk to and get him to understand why it's so important for mommy to get fit, but the girls don't understand so I can't stop them from getting in the way.  I can't always find the time to do the type of workout I feel I need to do to truly get fit, and that's the reality/challenge I'm working with.  BUT with the nicer weather and it staying light longer, I hope to at least find more evening time to get out and be getting exercise of some kind.  Anything is better than nothing!!

I am also watching what I eat, drinking lots of water, and desperately hoping eventually I'll see some results. 

It's hard, even a brisk walk - the hills can seem endless and I kick myself for feeling so winded over something I could do so easily pre-twin pregnancy.  But I thought about it while I was out there - if I'd started this as I'd originally planned in January, I'd be fit by now, or at least much more so than I am now.  So I feel motivated to get er done, because if I get going strong on this now, I WILL be at a level of fitness I can be proud of in 4 months - which means I'll be feeling better about myself by August.  Not to the point of where I want to be, obviously, but a better place than I'm at now.  I CAN DO THIS!!!

Recent events and baby talk

My desire to blog regularly and keep on top of what we’ve been up to has clearly been an epic fail.

What we’ve been up to lately:

Andrew started pre-school and seemed to enjoy his first class.  It’s just once a week but I think it’s going to be good for him, and he already (sort of) made a new friend, who we played with at the park for a while after his class ended.

While we waited for Andrew’s class to finish, the babies were napping in their stroller (due to failing to nap at their usual nap time at home before we left) and then Margaret woke up and immediately wanted out of the stroller, given what a novelty it is for her to be out.  So I took her out, just crossing my fingers that Emily wouldn’t wake up, because then she’d want out too and I’d be stuck forcing them both to stay in the stroller since I just can’t manage them both on the loose.  Margaret had an absolute field day running around on the grass.  Then she slipped in a big pile of mud, which didn’t stop her at all, if anything in hyped her up even further, and I had to run after her with the stroller so she wouldn’t roam too far from me!  She had really cute spring/summer pants on, too, and they’re basically permanently stained from her adventure, but oh well.  She had fun, and that’s the main thing!  By the time Emily woke up it was time to go get Andrew, so I had to force Margaret back into the stroller, but it worked out over all.

I took the kids to a tennis court for some play time on Friday afternoon.  It’s really the only place I can take the kids and not really worry that they’ll get hurt.  There are no guarantees, of course I still try to stay close to where they are, but having them confined to one area makes life SO much easier.  I literally CAN’T take them to a playground by myself, it just wouldn’t be safe, and it’s so stressful.  The girls ALWAYS run in opposite directions and I can’t just choose one to deal with and not be worried about what might happen to the other one!  So if no one is wanting to play tennis, we take the court over!  It was a lot of fun, I even thought ahead and brought a ball so they were able to kick it around, and it was just generally a lot of fun.  I also did a LOT of walking that day and got a ton of exercise, which was good.

We went bowling with GG on the weekend (me, Andrew, James, and obviously GG…who was over visiting for a few days).  It was Andrew’s second time ever bowling and he loved it every bit as much as the first time.  I played horribly the first game but made my comeback in the second and actually won the game!  (Although I told Andrew that he and I had tied for first, which some people might frown upon but come on, he’s 5, and he played really well!)

On Monday Andrew went downtown with James in the morning and then James’ mom took Andrew to Saltspring Island to visit his uncle (James’ brother).  It was Andrew’s first 2 night trip away from us, ever!  He did so well, he really enjoyed himself and was polite and well behaved pretty much the whole time, which is awesome.  He got to see a friend of his the same age who he met when they were 5 months old and they played really well together.  I was a little apprehensive at first to let him go because we all know I have some issues with my mil and her being the one taking him was maybe a tad difficult for me in some ways, but on the other hand I know it’s important for him to have these experiences, so I wanted him to go, especially since he was so excited by the idea of it.  I was also happy to have him spend time with his uncle, who he almost never sees anymore.  He was supposed to spend the day in Victoria today with James’ dad, but he started coming down with a cold so my mil brought him straight home this morning instead.  I had a feeling he would get sick on this trip, given that she took him when she JUST CAME DOWN WITH ACUTE BRONCHITIS A FEW DAYS BEFORE GOING but I won’t even get into that…I just have to keep my fingers crossed that none of the rest of us get it, because I can’t even stand the IDEA of another cold making the rounds through this house.

James’ birthday is coming up on Saturday, and I love that tomorrow is ‘Friday’ since the actual Friday is a holiday and James will be off.  So, so happy about that!  We’re having a little birthday party for him on Saturday, Sunday will be an Easter egg hunt for the kids…lots going on for the weekend!

In other news…the girls are saying so many more words now.  Margaret especially (although Emily KNOWS all the words, too, and sometimes will come out with a word that I wouldn’t expect her to know, she just doesn’t necessarily say it every time you ask her to!)  Margaret says, ‘Andoo’ for Andrew, ‘Emiy’ for Emily, and hearing her say the names of her siblings MELTS MY HEART literally every time!  Imagine the cuteness level of an 18 month old walking over to another 18 month old to give her a slice of pear while saying, ‘Emiyyyy!’ to get her attention!  It’s seriously one of the most adorable things ever.  Margaret likes to mimic words when we say them now, and she can say all sorts of things, such as, Hi, Bye, Cheese, Juice, cookie, cracker (comes out more like ‘cacker’) apple, nana (for banana), there are so many more but I can’t think of them right now.  She LOVES Curious George now and will say, ‘George!’ when she wants to watch him!  She’s obsessed.  I found an old CG t-shirt that was Andrew’s from a couple of years ago and gave it to her and her eyes bugged out of her head and she screamed, ‘GEORGE!’ which sounds a little more like GEOGE!  So cute.  Despite all her talking, Margaret’s favourite word for just about everything is, ‘Nooooo!’  On Saturday GG taught her to do a really silly face and when we say, 'Margaret, show us your face!' she takes on this hilarious stance and scrunches her nose to make a funny face!

Emily has really got a handle on ‘baby talk’ and speaks full sentences, just in a language we don’t understand.  But you can tell she knows exactly what she means, and sometimes she’ll give a really furrowed brow when we don’t respond, like she’s frustrated and doesn’t understand why we have no clue what she’s saying.  She calls most people, ‘Mommy’ but I KNOW she knows I’M the real Mommy =)  She says bubble (she loves it when we go outside and I blow bubbles, which we’ve been doing the past week in our little front yard, on the nice days at least).  She says Hi and Bye with so much enthusiasm!  If someone’s over and they say, ‘Well I guess I should get going soon’ or something to that effect, Emily immediately pipes in, ‘Byyyyeeee!’ with a big wave.  LOL  She also says, ‘Dada’ when she passes something to someone.  We used to say, ‘Ta’ to Andrew when he was little like them, meaning, ‘please’ and he would give us what he was holding.  He made his own variation of that as he learned to talk, and said, ‘Tap’, or ‘Tap tap.’  So without thinking I started off saying, ‘Tap!’ with the girls instead of Ta.  Well, Emily turned it into, ‘Dada’ (she says it fast when she means Ta, whereas if she was talking about her actual Dada she says it slower, or says Daddy).  I noticed in the past 2 days that Margaret is adopting the ‘Dada’ word, whereas before she was saying, ‘Tap.’

The girls both love their books, particularly ones with lots of pictures of different things.  In one book there’s a page that just has a million random things all over it and I was amazed today watching Emily pick things out quickly as I asked her if she could ‘see a bear’ or ‘see a ball’ etc.  She even pointed at a sheep, and said, ‘Baaa!’  Margaret does the same.  They also love to say Popcorn, Bo (for Bo on the Go), Up, Baby (they loooove babies, especially Emily, she is such a little mother already with her dolls!)  Yesterday we went to my friend’s house who has 4 kids, 2 being twins a little younger than my two.  Emily kept pointing at them saying, ‘Baby!’ and would lean in to give a kiss…interestingly only to the boy LOL.  I think she has her first crush!

Actually that’s a lie – the girls FIGHT over the giant Superman doll Andrew got with his birthday money!  It’s their height, and they seriously take turns just dragging him across the room, then I will find one of them just standing there hugging him or holding him, staring at him, giving him a kiss, it’s hilarious!  The other day Emily was crying over something and I couldn’t seem to console her so I said, ‘Why don’t you go get your boyfriend and tell him about it?’ and she walked over and got Superman and brought him over to me, and stopped crying!  LOL  It’s really too much!! 


Twins' first day apart

Today Margaret and Emily spent their very first day apart EVER!  And they will be 18 months next Monday.

Emily went downtown to spend the day with my mil.  She also went on her very first bus AND skytrain rides today, it was a big day for her!!   I was nervous about the day, not because I didn’t think the girls could handle being separated or that Emily wouldn’t be happy to spend the day with her nana, but because I knew I’d get homesick for her.  And I did!!  But it was manageable, and interesting to spend the day as if I had 2 singletons!

Watching Emily go off in the stroller with her Daddy this morning was hard, she just looked so adorable all bundled up, I wanted to take her out and give her tons of kisses.  As James started turning the stroller away from the front door to start walking, Emily waved and yelled out, ‘Byyyyyeeeee!’  It was so cute.  Margaret was with me, and when I closed the door she started to cry and kept pointing at the door.  At first I thought it was because she missed her sister but I think the real reason she was crying was because she didn’t understand why she wasn’t going, too!  Like, wth Mommy, I want to go on an adventure with Daddy!  LOL  She gets to go next time.  We had to choose one baby to be the first, and I chose Emily because it seemed as though everyone (James and my mil) were automatically assuming it would be Margaret first, and I had to question why.  She went with James to Safeway a few weeks ago for about half an hour, which previous to today was the longest time the girls had ever been separated in their lives.  OK, it was only a half hour trip to a store she goes to often enough with me and her siblings, but still, just because she’s the eldest daughter (by a whopping 6 minutes, ha!), that shouldn’t mean she always gets to do things first!  So that’s how it came to be that Emily got first dibs on a day downtown.

So off they went and apparently Emily did amazingly well on the trip into town (about 40 minutes with one bus transfer).  She did well all day, napped at her usual time, went to the pool in the building, had fun trying on (and sometimes breaking, oops) nana’s necklaces.  She did well on the way home, too, and everything was so new to her being on the skytrain so she didn’t show signs of falling asleep on the way (which I was worried might happen).  She seemed happy to see me when she got home, and I wanted to smother her in kisses, but ultimately she just came in and it was as if she’d never left.  She looked like a bit of a big shot in her pj pants and her purple jacket when she came in and started walking towards the gate where Margaret was.  They sort of touched hands for a second at the gate but then when I opened it and thought they’d have a little ‘conversation’, Margaret just walked past her and into the dining room!  LOL

Margaret was a little more out of sorts without her sister, at least in the morning.  Or out of sorts because she didn’t get to go, too, I don’t know.  She did, however, enjoy lots of morning cuddle time with me, which is usually very much shared between both girls so I think she liked having that one on one time.  Then just before 10am she went to the gate by the stairs and said, ‘Nigh nigh, Nigh nigh.’  Usually they go night night for their nap at 11-1130am, NEVER before 10!  But she seemed genuinely tired and when I asked if she was sure she wanted to go she nodded fervently and said, ‘Yah.’  So I took her up for her nap and tucked her in as usual and she went straight to sleep for about an hour and a half (which is their usual amount of time to sleep, generally speaking, although sometimes it’s less). 

I spent nap time hanging out with Andrew, watching a Mister Maker DVD we got out at the library recently, and then we played a bit of Lego Star Wars on the Xbox, which we borrowed from my parents as a treat for a few days.  After nap time we still had several hours before my aunt and uncle were coming over for a visit, so I decided to take the TWO kids for a walk to the store to get a dessert for the visit.  I wore Margaret in the Ergo and Andrew walked and it was actually pretty amazing to be able to just go for a walk without a stroller, I must say.  I really got a taste for what having 2 singletons would have been like, which I have to say is FAR less complicated than having twins (but I do love my twins, of course!)

After getting a couple of things at the store (mainly an apple pie for dessert, which turned out to be quite good FYI!) we stopped by the park nearby and I was initially hoping Andrew would see how wet it was and want to leave, but he wanted to play, and then Margaret started fussing in the Ergo because SHE wanted to play so I gave in and took her out and let her run around.  There was a HUGE puddle under the playground, basically covering the entire base of it, so I thought it would get in the way of them playing, but it ended up being the most fun thing to them.  They were both completely drenched by the time we had to go!  Margaret was just wearing slipper type shoes and had her feet soaked within 10 seconds of being there, and eventually waded into the water and it was halfway up to her knees it was so deep!  They had a blast running around in it, and Andrew made a game of getting as soaked as possible and laughed gleefully while literally rolling around in the water.  It was a bit of a gong show but lots of fun, and we live so close to the park that I didn’t think twice about letting them get that wet, since we would be home in 2 minutes and they could have a tubby to clean off and warm up, which they did.

It was still slightly challenging with just one toddler and Andrew, but nothing in comparison to having Andrew and twins, because I literally would not feel comfortable doing what we did there with both babies at once and just me.  Margaret kept wanting to climb the actual playground but I didn’t want her to because it was slippery and there were way too many places she could fall from.  She’s too young to understand about being careful on something like that.  Luckily after a few times of pulling her off and saying no, she was fine with just splashing around in the puddle.  But if Emily had been there, too, it’d have been extra challenging to keep both of them away from climbing, especially if they went to separate areas of the playground to do so.  And it’s a small playground I’m talking about, but still big enough that 2 toddlers, one adult, plus a 5 year old, it’s just too much to take on!  So I’m REALLY glad we got out for that little adventure, just the 3 of us, and I was able to give Margaret a chance to enjoy the park the way all kids should get to on a regular basis.

When all was said and done, it was a good day.  I definitely notice where twins truly are double the work load, and it’s definitely a whole lot easier to keep track of one toddler than two.  But there are other ways it’s not easier, because the girls are used to having each other around so because we were at home doing our usual routine, there were times when I noticed Margaret missing the companionship of her sister, particularly when Andrew would be in the kitchen with me.  Usually she and Emily would be in the living room together, but it was just her, and I do think there was a slight adjustment.  I also found it challenging because Emily usually rats Margaret out when she’s being mischievous by saying, ‘Uh oh!’ a lot, so I know to check on them if I hear that LOL.  Without Emily there, I had to be extra aware of what Margaret might get up to!  I also find that while it was certainly easier to do an outing, over all I am so used to having twins that I found myself constantly thinking Emily was with us, or at home I kept thinking she was upstairs and would start crying any second.  I’m conditioned to always be aware of that extra baby, so it did feel a bit strange without her today, and even though one baby is easier, I really missed my little Baby B today =)  I’m glad she had a fun adventure, though.  It’s important for them to feel like individuals (although truthfully, they’re so different that I don’t think it’s possible for them NOT to feel like individuals!)

Still dealing with the loss...

Last night I had a total breakdown, that sort of came out of nowhere.  I actually went to bed a little earlier than usual (shortly after midnight, which yes, to me is early) because I felt so tired my eyes were stinging.  I thought I’d fall asleep quickly, but instead my mind went to, without trying to sound totally dramatic, it’s ‘dark place.’  I hate it when my mind goes there, and yet there are times when I just can’t stop it. 

Every now and then I get a very vivid flashback to when I lost Baby#2, and last night it just floored me.  I still think about it every single day, it’s just a part of my existence now.  But it’s not like I dwell on it (most of the time).  Who has time to dwell with 3 little ones vying for your attention?!  Usually the way it comes to the forefront is in how I am with my children.  I tend to hug them a little extra, and feel so grateful that I have them in my life – which I’d have been without having gone through that experience, but I think it helps to remind me just how lucky I am.  I’m reminded of what I lost, and it makes me cherish my kids more, if that makes sense. 

But for some reason last night I had the flashback, only this time something hit me harder than it ever has before.  I felt literally stung by the reality that I will NEVER EVER have any answers.  I will never know why it happened, and I will never know if it was a boy or a girl.  And these things plague me.  These things make it so that I literally KNOW I can never get over losing that child.  I am an answers person, I like to know what’s happening, or what’s happened, I just like to KNOW.  Particularly not knowing if it was a boy or a girl for some reason just eats me up inside.  If it hadn’t happened in such a tragic manner (if you’re reading this and don’t know the whole story, you’ll find it on or just after October 11, 2011, since that’s when it happened) maybe I would have an easier time letting go?  I have so many scenarios in my mind of what I would do differently, just to be able to hold the baby one time, and to see if it was a boy or a girl.  Would I feel better if I was able to give him or her a name, which I don’t feel comfortable doing not knowing (I know there are gender neutral names but it doesn’t sit well with me)?  Would I feel better about it if I knew we’d done everything we could to find out why it happened?  I know it doesn’t matter in some respects, since just 4 months later (a painstaking 4 months, I must say, it was the worst 4 months of my entire life) I got pregnant with twins, and went on to have a textbook multiple pregnancy – and got out of it the two most beautiful, most precious girls I could ever imagine having in my life.  I don’t need to know why it happened so that it doesn’t happen again, because my reproduction days are OVER, and I’m happy about that!  It’s just…not knowing…it’s so hard.

I found myself starting to cry in bed, and I HATE crying and almost never do it so it just felt foreign to me and I became restless and didn’t want to be there anymore.  I went downstairs and couldn’t stop crying, and decided to use my computer and write (basically what I’m writing now) in hopes that venting might make the feelings subside.  I had (accidentally) woken James up when I got up so he actually got up to come and see why I’d got up again, since it’s not something I’d normally do once I go to bed these days.  At first I resisted talking to him about it, because as I said to him, it’s really pointless to talk about it and I feel stupid for even being so upset about it right now.  But I knew it would be more upsetting for him to know something’s wrong with me but I’m not telling him what, so I broke down and told him what was wrong.  Talking about it, saying the words out loud, actually made me outright SOB while talking, which again is just so foreign to me.  I hate crying, but even more so I hate crying in front of people, even James, so…yeah.  On the other hand, it really helped to have James’ support, and I don’t know what I’d do without him, because he really is so completely there for me.  He never shed one tear about that baby, but I know he does understand why it affects me so much.  He wasn’t in the room with me when it happened, when if he had been he’d have seen the baby, too, which I really think would have given him more of a connection.  BUT, the point is he’s there for me, and I found him very helpful last night in calming me down, just by listening to me and supporting how I feel.  I know it’s post traumatic stress, and I know that there’s really nothing I can do to help the situation other than to force my mind to compartmentalize it and try my hardest not to let the ‘dark side’ take over.  No amount of therapy can change how it affects me, because ultimately what I need to feel better are ANSWERS, and that’s not going to happen. 

This whole thing really frustrates me, because for one, even though I know it’s all relative, I KNOW it could have been SO MUCH WORSE.  I was SO LUCKY to get pregnant again just a few months later, because those 4 months felt like the longest days of my entire life but it was ONLY 4 months, I was so so lucky.  And, like I said, I ended up with two beautiful daughters.  I have 3 children who I consider to be as perfect as children could possibly be, I couldn’t imagine my life without any of them.  So the loss had to happen, for some reason unbeknownst forever to me, in order for me to get my twins.  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, even though the loss made me question why I believe that.  I also feel that literally every moment leads us to the next, meaning that to change one moment in time would change everything after it.  So what if I had been able to recover the baby just long enough to hold him or her and possibly find some answers?  My life after that moment would have been different such that I might not have conceived when I did after that, which means I may not have had twins, and the baby I’d have had wouldn’t have been Margaret or Emily.  Yes, whatever baby or babies I’d have had I would have loved, it’s just that having M and E in my life, I couldn’t imagine them being anyone else!  If I’d had the singleton that I lost, I wouldn’t know what I was missing, but being where I am now, of course I can’t say if I could go back and not have the miscarriage, I would.  I would have to go back and do it all over again the same way, which is crazy, because I honestly feel like a part of my heart is completely shattered from that experience.  It bothers me that there’s no way around it, I would have to go through it all over again because so much more of me would be shattered if I didn’t have my twin girls!

It’s all so complicated and yet annoying that it’s even enough on my mind that I feel the need to vent like this.  I have 3 kids, I love them, I have a really amazing life (even though I can complain as well as the next person about what I DON’T have or WISH I had!)  I am SUCH A LUCKY PERSON on SO MANY LEVELS.  I just don’t know if it will ever sink in that the miscarriage really truly happened to me and I have to just live with it, and not get worked up about the answers I’ll never have.  In some ways it feels as though it happened to me so long ago that it has always been there – I don’t totally remember who I was before it happened.  It had the biggest impact on me of anything I’ve ever been through, and it was the absolute worst thing I have ever gone through in my entire life.  Again, I know how lucky I am to be able to say that ‘that’s’ the worst thing that’s ever happened.  But I’m very much about love and being sentimental, and that was a baby that James and I created, and who I loved the second the pregnancy test told me there was a baby growing inside me.  I know there are worse things, and yet I have to say it’s more that there are worse LEVELS of the same thing, because even though I was ‘lucky’ to have suffered the loss on the earlier side of things, I still see it that I lost a child.  And I don’t care if other people don’t think that’s true – I know what I saw, and it looked like a perfect little human being to me.

I guess ultimately the ‘problem’ is the tragic way in which the baby was taken from me.  How can I ever get over that?  I didn’t even get a chance.  Part of me feels numb to it now when I think about it, but last night…and kind of still right now…it feels like a fresh wound.  I don’t know why NOW it’s hitting me again, it’s not like it’s the anniversary of the loss or anything.  I guess I just have to get used to the fact that these feelings might never go away.  I think that’s depressing me more than anything, now that I think of it…I mean, I don’t want to ‘forget’ that baby because to let it go entirely (which I just couldn’t do, anyway) would make it seem as though he or she never existed, which isn’t true, and doesn’t feel right to me to even pretend.  But it’s really hurting right now, knowing that I will always carry that scar with me.  It’s not like stretch marks from pregnancy, or scars from a surgery that saved my life.  This is the kind of scar that just hurts eternally, and I don’t even understand why it has to be there.  Why couldn’t I have just got pregnant with my girls when I did, and not have gone through that experience at all?  Why did I ‘need’ to go through that?  I don’t know the answer to that either.  Not just ‘not knowing’ but the KNOWING I will NEVER know is the hardest part.
Back to Top